In this episode of Team Success, host Shannon Waller is thrilled to talk with special guest Marlene Chism, an expert on workplace drama and how to handle it effectively. Their long discussion is full of great communication and listening strategies to help you have that difficult discussion you’ve been avoiding. Shannon highly recommends all senior leaders read Marlene’s latest book, From Conflict to Courage: How to Stop Avoiding and Start Leading, for more practical wisdom on managing conflict at work. Listen now to find out the three words that heal any conflict.
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Show Notes:
- The Karpman Drama Triangle consists of three roles:
- Victim: Feels powerless and blames others.
- Persecutor: Lashes out and is hard to get along with.
- Rescuer: Tries to fix everything for others.
- Denial: Added by Marlene in the center for Avoiders who say, “I don’t do drama.”
- People aren’t just one thing; they cycle through each regularly.
- Getting out of the drama triangle means becoming a Creator.
- Regulation Before Resolution:
- Regulating your emotions before approaching conflict allows you greater clarity, empathy, and a solution-oriented mindset.
- Emotional Awareness And Emotional Integrity:
- Accept that you have negative feelings.
- Represent yourself and your own feelings, not anyone else’s.
- Responsible Language:
- Ask questions.
- Speak to the vision.
- Focus on the outcome you want.
- Avoid generalization, blame, resentment, lack of choice, and justification.
- Radical Listening:
- Acknowledge the other person’s feelings: “It sounds like … ”
- Similar to Chris Voss’s “Tactical Empathy.”
- Similar to the Collaborative Way’s “Generous Listening.”
- Avoid trying to come up with a solution.
- Avoid telling a related story about yourself.
- Notice your own emotions without expressing them.
- Acknowledge the other person’s feelings: “It sounds like … ”
- “Don’t argue with other people’s feelings.” —Shannon Waller
- The Inner Game: External conflict starts when there is internal conflict.
- “Drama: the obstacle to peace or prosperity.” —Marlene Chism
- Work on your own clarity first because “the one with clarity navigates the ship, and everyone else shovels coal.”
- Be self-aware without being self-obsessed.
- Fulcrum Point Of Change: Nothing happens until you are willing to release your resistance to change.
- The “story” in your head about what is happening is the source of your suffering, not the other person, not the situation.
- Three-part approach for leaders:
- Establish a foundation: Examine what’s happening that shouldn’t happen to go into conversation with intention.
- Achieve leadership and employee clarity: Have the conversation and come to an agreement.
- Maintain accountability: Follow up two weeks after conversation.
- Specific strategies for difficult conversations:
- State intentions up front to reduce anxiety and defensiveness.
- Keep the discussion focused on constructive outcomes.
- Focus on the opposite of the issue to create a positive intention.
- Address observed behaviors and their impact rather than making accusations or generalizations about a person’s character.
- Use company values and vision to guide the intentions.
- Share the “story” you’re telling yourself about the situation.
- Say, “Walk me through what your perspective is.”
- Ask, “What do you want?” and “Would you be willing … ?”
- When you get denial or defensiveness: “That may be, but here’s what I need.”
- Three common responses to conflict are the 3 A’s: Aggression, Avoidance, and Appeasing.
- Resistance is almost always based on the need to be right.
- Three magic words that will heal any conflict: “You were right.”
- The “LABOR” principles for difficult conversations:
- L
- Ask for what you want.
- set B
- Own your stuff.
- Represent yourself.
- Major organizational problems can often be traced back to conversations that should have happened but didn’t.
Strategic Coach® Tools For Clarity:
- Use The Impact Filter™ to get your thoughts down on paper, get some emotional distance from them, and get really clear about purpose, ideal outcomes, success criteria, and so on before jumping into difficult discussions.
- Dan Sullivan’s tool for new hires, the 4 x 4 Casting Tool™, is included in the upcoming Ambition Series book, Casting Not Hiring, out in October 2024.
- This tool lets new hires know exactly what results and behaviors are expected from them, how they can exceed expectations, and what is unacceptable.
- “The problem is never the problem. The problem is that you don’t know how to think about the problem.”—Dan Sullivan
Resources:
From Conflict to Courage: How to Stop Avoiding and Start Leading by Marlene Chism
Marlene Chism on LinkedIn
Multiplication By Subtraction by Shannon Waller
The Power of TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic) by David Emerald
PRINT®: Team Success Podcast episode 224, “Uncovering ‘The Why Of You,’ With Debra Levine”
Your Life As A Strategy Circle by Dan Sullivan
Casting Not Hiring by Dan Sullivan and Jeffrey Madoff, includes example and explanation of The 4 x 4 Casting {Available October 2024}
The Gap And The Gain by Dan Sullivan with Dr. Benjamin Hardy
Chris Voss, “What is Tactical Empathy? How It Can Help in Negotiations at Work”